Spirituality and Self Help » Problem Solving

Having the Tough Talks

shimon — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 01:29:40 +0000

This is a guest post by Elaine Hirsch. Elaine is kind of a jack-of-all-interests, from education and history to medicine and video games. This makes it difficult to choose just one life path, so she is currently working as a writer for various education-related sites and writing about all these things instead.

image courtesy of APatterson

Many people become anxious when faced with talking about difficult or sensitive topics, especially with loved ones.

Most of these sorts of conversations evoke strong emotions, challenge beliefs, and may cause feelings of vulnerability.

You don’t need to earn a PhD online to practice strategic and thoughtful conversation, so instead of charging headlong into a delicate situation, make yourself familiar with some ways to help things go more smoothly.

Analyze and Clarify

First, you should ask yourself if you’re broaching a topic for a truly good reason. Is it a serious matter, or is it just a minor, petty conflict? Not every event or conflict has to be confronted, so learn to pick your battles. You also need to ask yourself, what outcome do you hope for? This will help you decide what to say and how you should say it.

Next, you need to check your emotions. It’s never a good idea to enter a discussion feeling emotionally charged. It will make things uncomfortable and overwhelming, or might lead to an argument that could totally destroy any chance at constructive conversation.

As always, remember that there’s always two sides to a story. Don’t assume you infallibly know what’s best for the other person or people involved. Nobody likes to feel they’re being condescended to or called incompetent.

If at any time you catch yourself overreacting, stop and think about why that may be. Identifying the cause of your upset may help you to frame the situation with greater clarity.

The Big Talk

To reiterate, one of the most important aspects of difficult conversations is the ability to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Consider how the other person might feel about the situation. Empathize with the other’s point of view and opinions beforehand if possible. This will help you to figure out how you should approach the impending discussion.

Take turns speaking in a mature and considerate way. Never interrupt, insert opinions where they’re not appropriate, raise your voice, or talk over the other person! Each individual’s input is valuable, and if you expect to come to any sort of meaningful conclusion, it must be respected.

Listen carefully, giving your full, undivided attention. Acknowledge what the other person has to say. If people feel you really care about what they’re saying, they are likely to be more open with you and receptive to what you have to say.

It’s easy to confuse acknowledgement for compliance, and important to avoid doing so. Just because someone acknowledges what you have to say doesn’t mean they’re going to come to your side of the fence.

Practice deep breathing before you begin talking. Breathing helps you focus, stay calm, and think rationally. The other person will probably appreciate it if you seem calmer, and it may make them feel calm. It makes things seem like they aren’t as delicate and tense as they might really be.

Last, don’t become defensive. Being defensive shuts out others, closes you off from constructive communication, and often leads to arguments or fights.

By being open, considerate, and calm, you should find that your difficult talk is a lot less difficult. These situations are never easy, but they are important challenges to meet in order to strengthen relationships and the ability to make tough decisions.

Most of the time, difficult conversations arise because both parties want to find a solution which will benefit them both mutually. Perhaps all those involved will come out of it knowing more about themselves and each other.

How To Achieve Your Desired Outcome

shimon — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 10:28:27 +0000

Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal. — Friedrich Nietzsche

Many feel that they can achieve more, they feel that something is missing in their lives. There are many ways to achieve a desired outcome. In this post I want to describe two ways I find efficient.

The first is to reverse the Do, Have, Be order. Most of us try to Do something (work,beauty treatment) in order to Have something (money,looks) so we can Be something (happy,safe).

By reversing the order and operating out of a state of happiness,joy,peace of mind,confidence or whatever resource you feel beneficial, you will Do(work etc) with more harmony and thus will have or achieve with ease and comfort. As a result the achievement will be much faster and more enjoyable.

Just imagine how your work will be different if you’ll smile and act generally happy. It might even open doors to you that otherwise would stay shut.

The second way has four steps:
1The first step is to identify the desired state.This means more that just recognizing what you want. It means considering how the change will affect you. For instance what will you do in your work, relationships, leisure time etc. At this point it’s also wise to do an internal ecology check.

Ask yourself the following questions:
1)What will I gain if I make this change?
2)What extra will I have to do?
3)Is it worth it?
4)What is the price of making this change and am I willing to pay it?
5)What are the good aspects of the present state?
6)How can I keep those good aspects while making the change I want?
7)What are the wider consequences of my action?

Once you determine your goal your brain will automatically start organizing your unconscious to achieve it.

2The second step is to identify the present state. This seems like an unnecessary step right? After all we all know where we stand. However the point of this step is to identify the problem, what’s holding us back? Or why haven’t we achieved what we wanted yet? Knowing what’s hindering our achievement helps us understand what resources are needed.

The present state + Resources = Desired state.In order to achieve anything one must believe that it is achievable at general, and that he can achieve it with the proper resources. he’s got to want to change, know how to change, and give himself the chance to change. There is a formula for success:The present state + Resources = Desired state.

3The third step is to identify the appropriate resources needed to get from the present state to the desired state. The resources needed often include accessing the right states in your body. We act differently when we are happy or excited than when are afraid or sad. They may also include lack of information or skills. Moreover some people find that they need new beliefs to assist them with the change.

4The fourth step is eliminating any interferences through using those resources. This step is really a process it takes time and effort to successfully add resources and get rid of hindering beliefs. There are many ways to add resources. One technique I find useful is called the circle of excellence, it was developed by Dr. John Grinder co-creator of NLP.

The circle of excellence

1)Imagine a circle on the floor large enough to step into. Give it a color.

2) Step into the circle and think of a time when you felt great, You had the resources you require. Vividly see through your eyes what you saw when you felt this way. Hear what you heard and feel what you felt. If you don’t remember such events simply pretend you’re feeling this way, What’s important in this exercise is the emotion.

3) Make the emotion stronger. Make the picture you’re seeing bigger with more colors and double the size of the image. Make the sounds louder and pleasant. You can add a giggle or the sounds of people cheering for you.

4) Repeat steps 2 and 3 with more resources(courage,joy) until you add everything you require to act differently in what was previously an uncomfortable situation.

5)Imagine that the color you picked for the circle is starting to raise from the floor all the way up, it transforms every cell making you full of resources, it opens you’re chakras in the process. Imagine you’re glowing with this color, and it gets bigger and bigger. It fills the room with the color and than you’re city,country and the world.

6)step out of the circle and think of a situation that was previously difficult, now imagine how you’ll act differently with you’re new resources. When you feel good about the situation step into the circle again and repeat the second and the third step regarding your situation. Step out of the circle.

7) Now you can choose to transform the circle into a bracelet to wear or into a marble to put in your pocket. Whichever you choose pay attention to it’s weight, to it’s feeling, maybe it emits a nice warm feeling. Now the circle is always with you and you can feel this emotions whenever you want.

Resolve Your Inner Conflicts – Achieve More

shimon — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 02:59:43 +0000

I want to tell you a true story. This is a story about a Japanese soldier called Hiroo Onoda. On December 17, 1944 the Japanese sent a group of soldiers to the Philippines to fight in the world war II. Onoda was stationed on a small island and after the Allied forces attacked the island he retreated into the jungle. The war ended in 1945 however Onoda didn’t know that he kept fighting. The aforementioned text is an excerpt from a post I wrote at peoplejam .You should read the post first and then watch the videos.

NLP Parts Integration (part 1/2)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgaMTHl5PZM

NLP Parts Integration (part 1/2)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_l_gifjMuQs

Do What’s Right – Do What’s Hard

shimon — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 13:32:05 +0000

Some of the books I read talk about doing what’s easy in life. They say that if faced with an obstacle you should always seek an easier path, because there are a lot more ways to choose from than we can see.

From my experience sometimes when you are doing what’s hard you are making the biggest progress, because the experience molds you just like a bodybuilder pushing weights to mold his body. His muscles grow by pain, not excessive pain but just in the right amount.

So what’s the right amount? Like many things in life it’s something that requires balance. For instance if you come from work and you watch TV for 4 hours and then go to sleep instead of doing something that you really want like reading something beneficial or even dating if you’re single, than clearly you’re not doing enough of what’s hard.

What’s hard and what’s easy are really only definitions that we make. Objectively there are no easy or hard, what’s easy for me may be hard for you and vice versa. It all depends on how you link pain and pleasure.

Each time you do something that’s hard, you increase your options thus making yourself more flexible and therefore more powerful. The more options you have in any given situation the more powerful you become.

However sometimes what you want is way above your competence at the moment thus making it virtually impossible for you. If that’s the case then you should consider how much you want it? In some cases there are easier alternatives that can satisfy your needs in other ways, for example if you want to be rich because you think it will give a peace of mind than what you really want is peace of mind and that can be achieved with less effort.

If however you decide that you want to achieve something and you try for a long time without results you should consider requesting help. It’s not easy to admit that we need help. For some reason we assume that we should be able to know everything and always act according to our needs.

Deep down inside you know what you should do, it is the things that frighten you the most that you should do first. I know it’s hard but there are really no alternatives. If you won’t do what’s necessary sooner or later your body will start sending signals and you will probably feel physical pain. Remember what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Spirituality and Self Help » Problem Solving

Having the Tough Talks

Analyze and Clarify

The Big Talk

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How To Achieve Your Desired Outcome

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Resolve Your Inner Conflicts – Achieve More

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